Sunday, November 12, 2006

My response to Strem's blog "Delaying Marriage"...

I just finished the transcript of a radio program from familylife.com regarding a father's advice to singles, which would be: What are you waiting for? Get married!

I read this transcript because my good friend, Sister Michelle, questioned in her blog why so many Christians delay marriage or continue to stay single. You can read her blog about delaying marriage HERE.

Because I got married at the age of 19, had delivered 2 children by the age of 22, and then was a divorced, working mother by the age of 25, I will give my perspective to why I think people choose to stay single and when I think is a good time for young folks to marry.

First of all, in this day and age, I don't think many men want the responsibilities of being a father and husband anymore. They also want to play on their own terms. Why would a man want to be a responsible husband and hands-on father when they have girlfriends here and there who are willing to have sex? Many liberated woman act like they don't need husbands anymore either and can easily play the role of mother/father. I know we are talking about Christian men here, but I know many "Christian" men like I know a lot of "Christian" women who fit this description.

Now for the Christian men who remain chaste yet they want to remain single, I really do believe that many are just afraid to go to that next step searching for a good woman, and here are some of my thoughts:
  • With so many families being torn apart by divorce (their own families or friends), I'm sure that many young men have been discouraged, and to many of them, it's not even worth taking that risk financially or emotionally.

  • Many men don't feel ready financially to take care of a wife and a family. Sadly, many would rather have their cars and their play-toys.

  • I believe feminism has many men worried about their choices for a mate, so for them, the path of least resistence is to not choose a mate. Many men do not want a strong, opinionated, independent woman who they will have to argue with or will criticise them, so the woman with strong opinions may be automatically excluded.

  • Also, I believe many men have high expectations and would want to marry a woman with the qualities of the virtuous woman in Proverbs 31 but are having problems finding one just like her. If the single man's mother was domineering, they want a meek and gentle, family-oriented woman. If his mother is a perfect "Beaver Cleaver" mother, than he is expecting his potential mate to be like her. Most women are not perfect, and it takes time to develop qualities of this virtuous woman. How do you know unless you get married? Some men don't even want to chance it.

  • I believe, nowadays, that men want a woman with perfect looks and body. It's hard not to think otherwise because the media bombards men with this "ideal" woman: slim, beautiful... perfect. Anything below their superficial expectations may get men to thinking that there is a better woman out there for them, so their search continues. Many good women get overlooked because of these unrealistic expectations.

  • What makes me sad is that on both sides, if you don't get what you want, the easiest remedy is to get a divorce. *sheepishly raising hand* I am guilty as charged. I tried hard, yet I didn't get my results of a responsible husband/father, so I bailed. I know... shame on me. I wish I was stronger, more mature, and had the patience of Job.

    Which gets me to the next question. What is a good age to get married? I thought I was pretty smart at the age of 19, and I thought I could get married, have children and not fail. I thought I had all the answers. (ha!) I am glad I got married and had children earlier rather than later, because it took every ounce of energy and drive to keep everything going between the two and work outside the home. Here at the age of 41... I really don't know if I have the energy to keep that balance going.

    By the time I was 25, I was divorced, tired, confused, overworked, overwhelmed, and crying all the time when the boys were asleep. I painfully acknowledged that I didn't know anything, and I failed miserably as a wife and mother. I understood how hard it was to be a parent, and I had a new-found appreciation for my parents (who were also divorced, sick and overwhelmed) To me then, there were no good guidebooks on how to be that good wife/mother. (Saying all this now, I could just kick myself, because I could have faithfully read the Bible to get all the answers. I had at least 2 of them in the house, but I wasn't truly faithful as I needed to be, which makes me sad)

    Where I was going with this is... no age is a really good age. I think maturity is the answer. I thought I was mature at the age of 19, but looking back, I really wasn't. At the age of 19, Sister Lydia is WAY more mature and knowledgeable than I was at that time.

    In a big way, if a young woman or man is mature for the responsibilities of marriage and being a mother/father, I do think that they should marry early rather than later (I'm hesitant to say, however, from the age 17 and younger) I believe this primarily because I read the chances of women getting pregnant prior to turning 35 decreases dramatically with each year due to the age of their eggs, to hormone levels, or other health issues.

    This, I realize, doesn't help a young man want to marry earlier, but it's very important to a woman, especially if she has dreams of being a mother. This will help him, however, from straying sexually.

    I also believe Dr. Al Mohler has many good points, especially when it comes to getting set in your ways. Learning to work with a spouse and the demands of raising a family really takes the focus off of "you". That is a good thing.

    SONG ON MY MIND: I just thought of this song while I was thinking about this topic. I guess the focus needs to be on finding a good mate; the more important issue, however, is our relationship with GOD.

    I BELIEVE - DCTalk

    I see the moon, a million stars are out tonight
    Gentle reminders of the way... You are
    A sea of glass, a raging storm has come to pass
    You show Your face in an array... of ways

    My feet may venture to the ground
    But You will never let me down
    I can't hold it in...
    My soul is screaming

    (chorus)
    Hey you, I'm into JESUS
    Hey you, I'm into JESUS, oh yeah
    Hey you, I'm into JESUS
    Hey you, I've seen the Truth... and I believe

    I know You're there...
    I feel Your love through my despair
    You speak the words that ease away... the pain
    My heart is free, my eyes are clear
    My soul is healed...
    Now that You have got a hold on me

    I still believe, I still believe
    Hey you, this kid is back
    And I do declare that the sun is shinning
    Hey you, this kid is back
    With a red alert, and it might be blinding

    One time, one time JESUS bled
    On the third day He rose again
    Can I get a witness for the things He did?
    One time, one time JESUS bled
    But then He rose again

    3 Comments:

    Blogger lydia said...

    Sandy, even though we have talked about this extensively in the past few days, I still really appreciated reading your thoughts. I agree that the age, the literal number, of a person does not matter in determining if they are ready to marry. I think that you are exactly right in saying that it completely depends on the maturity of the individuals. I would have to believe that if a person has the sincere desire to be a husband, wife, mother, father, then they will generally mature at a quicker rate then someone who does not desire that. I may be completely wrong in that belief, but that has been my observation.

    As a result of all this discussion, I have been doing a lot of thinking and studying on this topic. At the very least, it has caused me to want to live a godly life now, in preparation for the time when and if God calls me to be a godly wife and mother. One of my favorite verses is Proverbs 31:12 "She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life." I fall so short of leading a life of biblical womanhood, but it is my sincere desire to strive toward that. In this sinful and carnal world, it is difficult to remember the instructions God gives us as women and followers of Christ. I am so thankful for the women He has placed in my life to show me that example, so that I don't have to turn to the women of the world for guidance.

    I have thoroughly enjoyed this topic of discussion. I hope that it doesn't end, and that it definitely is something each of us can remember and think upon for a while.

    Sun Nov 12, 08:45:00 PM  
    Blogger strem said...

    Like Lydia, I also appreciated reading your thoughts...in addition to hearing them in our discussions. As has been stated over and over, there is no "right age"...but for those who are wittingly and unwittingly putting it off or not working toward it, it seems that marriage is likely to come much later (if at all) than it could (and some would argue, should) have...no matter if "the right person(s)" had come along earlier. If our families and friends - and ESPECIALLY our churches - are constantly making references to how wonderful the "freedom of being single" is, teaching women that "career women" is the norm, and joking about the hassles of marriage, then it's a no-brainer why men and women are not seeing the blessings that God designed in marriage.

    The verse that Lydia quoted is also one of my favorites... reminding me that "all the days of [my] life" literally mean ALL of the days. It means that my actions in preparing to be a wife and the choices I make while trying to find a mate will affect my future marriage - in addition to my actions after being married.

    There are so many aspects of this topic...and it is difficult to narrow my thoughts. I will try to make more posts on this subject very soon.

    Mon Nov 13, 09:53:00 AM  
    Blogger Dani said...

    I love your thoughts. Marriage, submission, following God's will, they have all been very much on my mind as of late.

    Wed Nov 29, 11:39:00 AM  

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